Understanding Perfectionism. When in the search for perfection, we get stuck.

 

I had a few friends over at my house some time ago to honour a personal and meaningful life event. Things were not perfect or fully finished in my new home, which I recently moved into. In a very spontaneous way, I said aloud, “I’d rather show up imperfect and unfinished, but show up and be present. Spending quality time with friends is what matters to me the most.” This experience made me reflect on the role of perfectionism in my life and the lives of those around me. 

We are conditioned and taught to thrive by doing things and being perfect in society. In addition, nowadays, social media shows people their versions of ideal homes, skin and figure, parenting, lifestyle and habits, etc. For example, growing up, I heard my parents say: “If you are going to do it, do it right, and do it perfectly. Otherwise, don’t do it.” That message made me believe that I needed to achieve the best results rather than do my best in the form of effort and appreciate mistakes as part of the learning process and self-discovery.

Perfectionism seems desirable: Who wouldn’t want to excel and achieve the highest standards? Or see their children perform to the highest standards? However, the reality I encounter in my psychotherapy practice is that perfectionism can lead to anxiety, procrastination, overall dissatisfaction, and even shame. Perfectionism can also be linked to ADHD or ADD, among other cognitive, neurological, or mental health presentations that incorporate more complexities to our self-confidence and self-esteem.

Societal Expectations and Family Dynamics.

One contributing factor to perfectionism is societal and cultural expectations. From a young age, many are bombarded with the idea that we must achieve success and maintain a flawless image and lifestyle. These expectations can manifest in various ways, such as the pressure to excel academically, to have a successful career, or to maintain a specific physical appearance. Some societal and family cultures highly value competitiveness and individual accomplishments. In my psychotherapy practice, I hear clients experiencing anxiety and depression. Many of them share that they were raised with implicit or explicit pressure to be high achievers and to win. These ideals can foster a perfectionist mindset.

Families that emphasize achievement and success over leisure time, relaxing by doing nothing, and playfulness can unintentionally contribute to perfectionist tendencies in their children. We often see parents and educators praising their children primarily for high grades or exceptional performance, leading to a persistent fear of failure and an obsession with meeting unrealistic standards. It’s not unusual for youth and adolescents to seek psychotherapy because they feel not good enough, experience panic attacks, or feel lost and paralyzed out of fear of failing.

Recognizing that character and positive personality attributes are as important as recognizing effort, grades, and good work is crucial. This recognition can create a sense that one’s worth is not primarily tied to one’s achievements but to the effort and character one displays. This shift in perspective can make individuals feel more valued and appreciated for who they are, not just what they achieve.

Personality Traits, Early Experiences and Trauma.

Some personality traits are more likely to experience perfectionism. For example, individuals with high levels of Conscientiousness lean towards setting higher standards for themselves. Wikipedia describes Conscientiousness as the personality trait of being responsible, careful, or diligent. Conscientiousness implies a desire to do a task well and to take obligations to others seriously.  Undoubtedly, it is a positive trait; however, it can become problematic when associated with shame morphs into perfectionism.

Similarly, individuals with a more avoidant style or neuroticism may be more prone to perfectionism due to their heightened sensitivity to stress and criticism. Neuroticism is a personality trait associated with negative emotions. It is one of the Big Five traits. Individuals with high scores on neuroticism are more likely than average to experience such feelings as anxiety, worry, fear, anger, frustration, envy, jealousy, pessimism, guilt, depressed mood, and loneliness.

When we fear failing, being criticized, or being judged negatively, we may strive for perfection to avoid these fears. This creates a cycle in which our fears of not being up to the task drive us to set unreasonable goals. As a result, we end up feeling distressed and inadequate.

When we experience repetitive rejection, criticism, or failure in our formative years, we may develop perfectionist tendencies to cope with the emotional pain and shame arising from those experiences. We create a narrative and believe that by achieving perfection, we can protect ourselves from rejection and, even further … that we’ll be loved and liked. Perhaps “I felt that they loved me only if I was well-behaved and had the highest marks” is a familiar narrative to some of us.

Embracing a mindset that focuses on learning and emotional, psychological, and spiritual growth rather than just achieving perfection has contributed far more to my happiness and self-acceptance. In my personal experience, I recognized that evolving as a human being comes from effort and resilience, not just flawless image and perfect performance. This realization can empower individuals and give them hope for their growth journey.

Social Media and Self-Worth.

Raise your hand if you are not connected to social media in one way or another! Right? Nearly 65% of the population has access to social media. 

Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Pinterest, and Linkedin have become significant factors in measuring our lifestyle, looks, success, self-value, etc. Most people posting and creating content on those platforms showcase idealized, even unattainable, versions of lives, creating unrealistic standards. The most challenging is that those posts foster a comparison culture. Exposure to mostly curated content and flawless images online can exacerbate already pre-existing feelings of inadequacy, which drives many of us to aspire to a fantasized idea of life.

Social media significantly impacts individuals for whom perfectionism is bound to self-worth and sense of self. When we relate self-esteem to our achievements, appearances, and other’s perceptions of us, we will likely foster perfectionistic behaviours. This can be particularly evident when we already struggle with self-acceptance, especially if, during our upbringing, we receive consistent messages that our worth is contingent on success and achievement.

I often invite clients I meet in my practice to become more mindful of social media consumption and to notice the stories about themselves that the images and messages create in their minds. How do they affect my life, relationships and body image? Are they contributing to achieving a more profound sense of contentment and joy for what I have and who I am? Take breaks! Curate your feeds, which means actively selecting the content you see to include more uplifting, humourous and realistic content. This can involve unfollowing accounts that make you feel inadequate and following accounts that promote self-acceptance and realistic standards.