When the Person Who Hurt You Is Also the Person You’re Mourning
Grieving a parent you had a complicated relationship with: There’s a particular kind of grief that doesn’t get talked about very much. It’s the grief that shows up when the parent you’ve lost wasn’t a source of comfort, safety, or unconditional love. Maybe they were critical. Maybe they were absent, emotionally or literally. Maybe you’d been estranged for years and hadn’t spoken when they died. Maybe you spent your whole life waiting for an apology, a moment of real closeness, or a “well done” that never came.
And now they’re gone. And you don’t know what to do with what you’re feeling, because it isn’t just sadness. It might be relief. Guilt. Rage. Grief. Sometimes all in the same hour.
If you’ve found yourself Googling something like “why don’t I feel sad my parent died” or “is it normal to feel relieved after a parent’s death,” you are far from alone. This is one of the most common, and most under-discussed, forms of grief people bring into therapy.
Why This Kind of Grief Feels So Confusing
Grief is supposed to have a shape we recognize: love, loss, longing. But when the relationship was complicated, grief gets tangled up with everything that was never resolved.
You might be grieving:
- The parent you actually had
- The parent you wish you’d had
- The relationship you kept hoping would still happen “someday”
- The version of yourself who spent years trying to earn their love or approval
That last one catches people off guard the most. Often, what surfaces isn’t just mourning the person; it’s mourning the end of a hope. As long as they were alive, there was a small, quiet chance things could change. Their death can close that door for good, and that closing has its own grief attached to it, separate from the loss of the person themselves.
Common Questions People Ask About This Kind of Grief
If any of these sound familiar, you’re asking exactly the right questions:
Why do I feel numb instead of sad? Numbness is often the nervous system’s way of protecting you from feeling too much, too fast, especially when the emotions underneath are contradictory or overwhelming. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love them, and it doesn’t mean you’re grieving “wrong.”
Is it wrong to feel relieved that my parent died? Relief is one of the most common, and most hidden, emotions in this kind of loss. Relief that the tension is over, that you no longer have to manage the relationship, or that a chapter of pain has closed. Relief and grief can absolutely coexist.
Can I grieve someone who hurt me? Yes. You can grieve someone and still hold a clear-eyed view of the harm they caused. These aren’t contradictory; they’re both true at once.
Why do I feel guilty for not grieving “enough”? A lot of people compare their grief to what they think it’s supposed to look like, and feel like they’re failing some invisible test. There is no correct amount of grief for a complicated relationship. Your grief is shaped by your specific history, not a script.
Should I go to the funeral if we were estranged? This is a deeply personal decision, and there’s no universally right answer. What matters is what will let you live with your choice afterward, not what other family members expect of you.
What Complicated Grief Can Look Like
Tools for Coping with Complicated Grief After Losing a Parent
Grieving a parent is hard enough. Grieving a parent you had a complicated relationship with is a different kind of hard, the kind nobody sends a sympathy card for. Maybe your relationship was strained, distant, or downright painful. Maybe you loved them and couldn’t stand them, sometimes in the same breath. Maybe you’re mourning not just the parent you lost, but the parent you never had. If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not doing grief “wrong.” You’re grieving something layered, and layered grief needs a few more tools in the kit.
Here are some that can help:
Let go of the “should.” There’s no rulebook that says you have to feel devastated, or relieved, or both at once, or neither. Whatever you’re feeling — sadness, anger, guilt, numbness, even relief is a legitimate response to a real relationship. Complicated relationships produce complicated grief. That’s not a character flaw; it’s just math.
Name the specific losses. With complicated grief, you’re often not mourning one thing; you’re mourning several. The parent who died. The parent who could have been. The relationship you kept hoping would repair itself. The conversation you’ll never get to have. Naming these separately can make the grief feel less like one overwhelming fog and more like a few distinct, workable pieces.
Write the unsent letter. Say the things you never got to say, or never wanted to say to their face. Gratitude, resentment, questions, regrets, all of it. You don’t have to show anyone. This isn’t about resolution; it’s about giving your feelings somewhere to go besides in circles in your head.
Find a witness, not a fixer. You don’t need someone to tell you how to feel about your parent, or to rush you toward forgiveness, or to convince you they were secretly a good person deep down. You need someone- a friend, a support group, a therapist- who can simply hold space for the complexity without trying to tidy it up.
Consider working with a grief-informed therapist. Complicated grief, especially after an estranged or difficult parental relationship, often carries unfinished emotional business that benefits from professional support. A therapist can help you untangle guilt from grief, and grief from relief, at whatever pace feels right for you.
Rituals to Help You Move Through Complicated Grief
When a relationship was complicated, the usual grief rituals- the eulogy full of fond memories, the “they were the best mom/dad” toasts can feel like they don’t fit. That’s okay. You’re allowed to build your own rituals, ones that hold the whole truth of who your parent was to you.
A few ideas to draw from, mix, or make your own:
Create a “both/and” memorial. Instead of a tribute that only tells the good parts, try a private ritual that honours the full picture, the moments of connection and the moments of harm. This might be as simple as lighting two candles: one for what you’re grateful for, one for what you’re still healing from.
Mark the relationship’s ending, not just the person’s passing. Sometimes what needs a ritual isn’t just “my parent died” but “the relationship I hoped for will now never happen.” A small, symbolic act — burying a letter, releasing something into water, planting something new — can help mark that particular ending.
Build a “third story” altar or memory box. Rather than only displaying happy photos, include objects, notes, or symbols that reflect the relationship as it actually was — nuanced, difficult, real. This isn’t about dwelling on the pain; it’s about refusing to erase your own experience in service of a tidier narrative.
Use anniversaries intentionally. Birthdays, Mother’s or Father’s Day, the anniversary of their passing; these can be brutal when grief is complicated. Instead of dreading them, try choosing in advance how you want to spend that day: alone, with a specific person, doing something that feels like yours rather than something performative for others.
Try a forgiveness ritual, for yourself, not necessarily for them. Complicated grief often comes bundled with guilt: for not visiting enough, for feeling relieved, for still being angry. A ritual of self-forgiveness spoken aloud, written down, or shared with a therapist or support group can help loosen guilt’s grip, even when forgiving your parent isn’t part of the process (and it doesn’t have to be).
How Grief Therapy Can Help
You don’t need a simple relationship with someone to grieve them, and you don’t need to sort out every conflicting feeling on your own before you’re “allowed” to seek support.
In grief therapy, we make space for all of it: the sadness and the relief, the love and the anger, the mourning of the parent you had and the parent you didn’t. There’s no pressure to land on one clean, tidy feeling. Therapy gives you room to:
- Untangle which parts of your grief are about the loss, and which are about the relationship itself
- Process old wounds that may resurface now that the relationship can’t change
- Make sense of guilt, relief, or anger without judging yourself for having them
- Find language for a loss that doesn’t fit the typical scripts of grief
- Decide what closure or peace could look like for you, even without the other person here
Grief after a complicated relationship often takes longer to work through, precisely because there’s more to process: unfinished conversations, unmet needs, unresolved history. That’s not a sign something is wrong with you. It’s a sign the relationship mattered, even if it was painful.
You’re Allowed to Grieve This Your Way
There’s no “correct” way to mourn a parent who hurt you, disappointed you, or never quite showed up the way you needed. Whatever you’re feeling right now- relief, sorrow, anger, numbness, or some combination that doesn’t have a name- it belongs to you, and it makes sense given everything you lived through with them.
If you’re carrying this kind of loss and finding it hard to navigate alone, grief counselling can offer a steady, non-judgmental space to work through it, at your own pace.
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