Controlling and abusive relationships rarely start with a slammed door or a raised fist.
If you’ve ever found yourself apologizing for things that weren’t your fault, running your plans past someone before you dared make them, or feeling a small flutter of dread before your partner walks through the door. Then, you already know something that research has spent decades trying to prove: control doesn’t have to leave a mark to leave a scar.
Controlling and abusive relationships rarely start with a slammed door or a raised fist. More often, they start quietly — with “I just worry about you,” or “Why do you need to see them without me?” By the time the pattern is visible, it’s often already reshaped how a person sees themselves. As a psychotherapist, I’ve sat with many people — women and men, in straight and same-sex relationships, in their twenties and in their sixties — untangling exactly this: not just the relationship they’re in or left, but who they became inside it.
This post is about that unravelling and sharing my thoughts from meeting numerous clients in my Psychotherapy office in Burlington, ON, who find themselves in controlling intimate relationships. The psychology of coercive control, what the research tells us about its toll on self-worth and mental health, why it can be so hard to leave, how it touches children in the home, and what healing through therapy can actually look like.
What controlling behaviour actually looks like
Control is often mistaken for jealousy, or passion, or a partner who just “cares a lot.” But researchers who study coercive control like Evan Stark, whose work reframed how we understand abuse, describe it as a pattern designed to strip away a person’s independence, isolate them, and make them dependent on their partner’s approval to feel okay in the world.
It tends to show up in a few overlapping ways: emotional control, through criticism, blame, guilt trips, and gaslighting; financial control, through restricting money, work, or access to accounts; social isolation, through cutting a person off from friends, family, and support; and monitoring or digital control, through tracking calls, location, texts, and passwords.
None of these tactics need to involve physical violence to be devastating. In fact, researchers increasingly argue that coercive control is the more damaging pattern precisely because it’s continuous. It doesn’t happen in isolated incidents; it happens in the texture of everyday life.
What the research says
This isn’t a fringe issue. National surveys and peer-reviewed studies consistently find that controlling behaviour is common, damaging, and frequently overlooked:
- A large study using India’s National Family Health Survey found that spousal coercive control was reported by nearly half of women surveyed, and that experiencing multiple coercive control tactics substantially raised the odds of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. The researchers concluded that coercive control erodes women’s social support, self-esteem, and self-efficacy. These are the very foundations of mental health.
- The CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey found that roughly one in five men and a much larger share of women have experienced psychological aggression from a partner in their lifetime, including tactics like being tracked, monitored, or cut off from family and friends.
- A 2025 systematic review of women’s lived experiences of coercive control found consistent psychological and mental health impacts across dozens of qualitative studies spanning more than a decade of research.
- Research across the European Union found that over a third of women had experienced controlling behaviour from a partner, a figure that outpaces reported rates of physical or sexual violence, suggesting control is often the more pervasive, if less visible, pattern.
What it does to your sense of self
Self-worth doesn’t erode all at once. It erodes one small negotiation at a time: one apology you didn’t need to give, one opinion you learned to keep to yourself, one version of yourself you quietly put away because it was easier than the fallout.
Clinically, this tracks closely with what we see in the therapy room: chronic self-doubt, a persistent sense of “walking on eggshells,” difficulty trusting your own perception of events, which is a hallmark of gaslighting. In addition, a nervous system that stays braced for conflict long after a relationship ends. Left unaddressed, this pattern is strongly linked to anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress, not as an overreaction, but as a reasonable response to a genuinely destabilizing environment.
What makes this especially painful is that the control often erodes the exact resources a person would need to leave: their confidence, their financial independence, their friendships, their sense that they deserve better. That’s not an accident. It’s the mechanism.
It isn’t only a heterosexual issue
Coercive control shows up across every kind of relationship, and research on 2SLGBTQ+ communities makes clear this isn’t just a “straight relationship” problem. Data from the CDC’s national survey found that bisexual and lesbian women report intimate partner violence at rates as high as or higher than heterosexual women, and one Canadian and multi-country study of gay and bisexual men found that roughly a third reported experiencing some form of intimate partner violence in their lifetime.
Same-sex relationships carry an added layer of complexity: abusive partners may weaponize a partner’s fear of being outed, exploit smaller and tighter-knit community networks to isolate a victim further, or count on survivors having less access to LGBTQ+-competent shelters and services. This is part of why affirming, identity-informed therapy matters. The shape of control can look different depending on the relationship, but the underlying power-and-control dynamic is the same.
Why is it so hard to leave?
This is one of the questions I hear most from people outside a relationship looking in, and often from the person inside it too, once they have some distance: “Why didn’t I just leave?”
The honest answer is that controlling relationships often run on a self-reinforcing loop, one that researchers have described since the 1970s as the cycle of abuse. Tension builds, and a person starts to feel anxious and on edge. Something triggers a blow-up or a controlling incident. Then comes a period of apology, warmth, and loving words. Which, psychologically, can feel enormously relieving after the tension of the incident. That relief gets mistaken for love, or for hope that things have really changed. Calm returns. And then, often quietly at first, the tension begins building again, and the whole cycle repeats.
This loop creates something trauma researchers call a trauma bond: an attachment that’s actually strengthened by the highs and lows, not despite them. The nervous system starts to associate the partner with both the danger and the relief from that danger, which is a uniquely powerful, and uniquely confusing kind of bond to break.
It’s not weakness or poor judgment that keeps someone in the loop. It’s a well-documented psychological and physiological response to an environment that manufactures both the threat and its relief in the same relationship.
If you’re staying
Not everyone in a controlling relationship can leave, and not everyone who could leave is ready to. Finances, immigration or housing status, shared children, cultural or religious ties, physical safety risks that actually increase at the point of leaving, or simply not yet being emotionally ready. These are all real, valid reasons people stay.
If this is you, I want to say plainly: staying doesn’t mean you’re failing, and it doesn’t mean nothing can be done in the meantime. There’s real, meaningful work available to you right where you are.
Protect a private sense of reality. One of the most corrosive effects of coercive control is losing trust in your own perception. Keeping a private journal on paper if a phone isn’t safe, or in a note only you can access. Journaling what actually happened in difficult moments can help you hold onto your own account of events, separate from how it gets rewritten afterward.
Keep at least one line open to the outside world. Isolation is often the mechanism that makes control possible. Even one relationship, such as a friend, a sibling, a coworker, or a support line. Someone you can check in with regularly can make a measurable difference in maintaining perspective and having somewhere to go if things escalate. If contact is monitored, look for lower-visibility options: a work email, a library computer, a trusted person’s address for mail.
Build a safety plan, even if you’re not planning to leave. Organizations like domestic violence shelters and hotlines can help you quietly map out things like: a bag with essentials and important documents, a code word with someone you trust, and a plan for what to do if a conflict escalates. A safety plan isn’t a commitment to leave; it’s insurance, and having one tends to lower day-to-day anxiety rather than increase it.
Set the boundaries you can, without expecting them to be respected. In a controlling relationship, boundaries often won’t be honoured the way they would in a healthy one. However, stating them clearly, such as “I’m not comfortable discussing that,” “I need this decision to be mine,” still matters. It keeps a thread of your own agency intact, and it gives you information: how a boundary is met tells you something true about the relationship, even when it’s not what you hoped to hear.
Get support that’s just for you. Individual therapy doesn’t require you to have decided anything about the relationship’s future. Many people use it to process what’s happening, rebuild a sense of self separate from the relationship, and reduce the psychological toll, while making no decision at all about staying or going until they’re ready.
If there are children in the home, focus on what you can control. You can’t always control the household dynamic, but you can be a steady, warm, attuned presence for your kids, and you can help them build their own safety plan and language for their feelings. Research on protective factors is consistent: a child’s relationship with even one emotionally available caregiver meaningfully buffers the impact of a difficult home environment.
Staying is not the same as doing nothing. A lot can happen inside a relationship, in how you understand it, protect yourself within it, and hold onto yourself, long before any decision gets made about its future.
When children are watching
Control rarely stays contained between two adults. Research consistently shows that children who grow up around controlling or abusive dynamics, even when the abuse is “only” verbal or psychological, and even when a parent believes the child “didn’t see anything,” carry real developmental costs.
A meta-analysis of dozens of studies found that children exposed to intimate partner violence show measurably higher rates of emotional and behavioural problems compared to children who weren’t exposed. Other research has linked this exposure to higher rates of anxiety, depression, post-traumatic symptoms, and difficulties with cognitive and social functioning, along with poorer academic performance. Longitudinal economic research has found that children in homes with reported domestic violence go on to show higher rates of later-life difficulties, including poorer educational outcomes.
There’s also a quieter cost: a parent living under coercive control is often managing their own fear, hypervigilance, or depression, which can make it harder to be as emotionally present and attuned as they want to be. Not because they love their children any less, but because their own nervous system is working overtime just to keep everyone safe. Part of therapy in these cases is rebuilding that capacity for presence, without any shame attached to how depleted control can leave a parent.
Encouragingly, research also shows that this isn’t destiny. Children’s outcomes are shaped by protective factors, like a stable, attuned caregiver, safety, and appropriate support. Meaning that leaving an unsafe dynamic and getting support isn’t just healing for the adult; it changes the trajectory for the whole family.
Common Q & A about controlling relationships
What’s the difference between a controlling partner and a partner who’s just jealous? Occasional jealousy is a normal, if uncomfortable, human emotion. Control is different: it’s a pattern, not a moment, and it aims to limit your independence: your money, your friendships, your movements, your sense of your own judgment. Jealousy can express an insecure feeling in the moment; control is a pattern. A useful gut check is whether the behaviour is shrinking your world over time.
Is it still abuse if my partner has never hit me? Yes. Researchers who study coercive control are clear that psychological, financial, and social tactics are their own recognized form of abuse, not a lesser version of it. Several of the studies referenced in this post found that people experiencing coercive control reported mental health effects on par with, or worse than, those tied to physical violence alone.
Why is it so hard to actually leave, even when I know it’s not okay? Controlling relationships often run on a cycle of tension, incident, apology, and calm that creates a trauma bond. A trauma bond is an attachment reinforced by the highs and lows, not in spite of them. On top of that, the relationship often erodes the very things (confidence, money, friendships) a person needs to leave. It’s a well-documented pattern, not a personal failing.
Can this still affect me mentally after the relationship has ended? Often, yes. Many people carry hypervigilance, self-doubt, or trouble trusting their own judgment well past the relationship itself. This is a normal response to a genuinely destabilizing experience, and it’s very treatable with the right support; it isn’t a sign that something is permanently wrong with you.
Does this happen in same-sex relationships too? Yes. Research shows lesbian, gay, and bisexual people experience intimate partner violence and coercive control at rates as high as or higher than heterosexual people, sometimes with added tactics like threats of being outed. Power and control dynamics are consistent across relationship types, even when the specific tactics differ.
If there’s no physical violence, is my child really affected? Research consistently shows that children exposed to psychological or emotional control, not just physical violence, show measurably higher rates of anxiety, depression, and behavioural difficulties. Children pick up on tension and fear even when nothing is ever raised in front of them directly.
I’m not ready to leave. Is there still something worth doing? Absolutely. Documenting your own account of events, keeping at least one outside relationship open, building a safety plan, and getting individual therapy are all things you can do without deciding the relationship’s future. Staying isn’t the same as doing nothing.
Can therapy help even if I decide to stay, or haven’t decided anything yet? Yes, therapy doesn’t require you to decide first. Many people use it to process what’s happening, rebuild trust in their own perception, and reduce the toll on their nervous system, entirely separate from any decision about the relationship itself.
How psychotherapy can help
If any of this feels familiar, I want to say clearly: this pattern is treatable, and you are not the sum of what it convinced you to believe about yourself.
Therapy for people who’ve experienced coercive control usually moves along a few connected tracks:
Rebuilding self-trust. Gaslighting and chronic criticism teach people to distrust their own perceptions. A significant part of early therapy is simply the slow, steady work of learning to trust your own read on a situation again.
Naming the pattern. Many people arrive in therapy without the language of “coercive control” or “trauma bond,” just a confusing sense that something was wrong, but they couldn’t explain why. Having a clear framework for what happened is often the first moment the self-blame starts to loosen.
Processing the nervous system’s imprint. Approaches like Mindfulness and trauma-focused therapy help address the physiological residue of chronic fear: the hypervigilance, the eggshell-walking, the trouble sleeping, not just the thoughts about what happened.
Rebuilding connection. For people working on future or current relationships, frameworks like Emotionally Focused Therapy help rebuild a felt sense of safety and secure attachment, which is often exactly what a controlling relationship dismantled.
Support that’s affirming, not assuming. For 2SLGBTQ+ clients, this also means therapy that understands the specific pressures of same-sex relationships and doesn’t default to heterosexual assumptions about what a relationship, or an abusive one, looks like.
None of this is quick work, and it shouldn’t be rushed. But self-worth that was dismantled slowly can also be rebuilt steadily, and for good.
You don’t have to untangle this alone
If you’re recognizing pieces of your own relationship in this post, past or present, take that recognition seriously. Whether you’re trying to understand a relationship you’re still in, healing from one that ended, or supporting your children through the aftermath, support is available, and you deserve it.
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Support resources in Halton Region
If you’re in Burlington, Oakville, Milton, or Halton Hills, here’s where to start. All of these services are free and confidential, and you don’t need to have “decided anything” to call — you’re welcome to call just to talk something through.
In an emergency, if you or your children are in immediate danger, call 911.
Domestic violence shelter and crisis support
- Halton Women’s Place — the only women’s shelter in Halton Region, with emergency shelters in Burlington and Milton, children’s services, and court support for custody and restraining orders. 24/7 crisis line: 905-332-7892 (Burlington) or 905-878-8555 (Milton); online chat at haltonwomensplace.com/chat
Sexual violence support (all genders)
- SAVIS of Halton (Sexual Assault & Violence Intervention Services) — free, confidential 24/7 crisis line and up to 18 free counselling sessions for survivors of sexual violence, open to women, men, trans, and gender-diverse people aged 16+. Also offers up to 8 sessions for family and friends supporting a survivor. Crisis line: 905-875-1555
Police-based victim support
- Halton Regional Police Service, Victim Services / Intimate Partner Violence Unit — safety planning, referrals, and short-term financial assistance through the Victim Quick Response Program. Reach through the non-emergency line: 905-825-4777
Mental health crisis lines (16+)
- COAST (Crisis Outreach and Support Team) — 24/7 mental health crisis line and mobile crisis response for Halton residents 16 and older: 1-877-825-9011
- Distress Centre Halton — 24/7 confidential listening and referral line: Burlington 905-681-1488, Oakville 905-849-4541, Milton/Halton Hills 905-877-1211
- 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline — call or text 988, available across Canada anytime
Support for children and youth
- ROCK (Reach Out Centre for Kids) — 24/7 crisis line for children and youth up to 18: 905-878-9785
- Halton Children’s Aid Society — for concerns about a child’s safety at home, available 24/7
Legal support
- Halton Community Legal Services — free legal help for low-income Halton residents, including family law matters: 905-875-2069
2SLGBTQ+-specific support
- PFLAG Halton — support and resources for 2SLGBTQ+ people and their friends and family, with a Halton-specific referral list
- Pride Halton — regional 2SLGBTQ+ community organization and events
- Rainbow Health Ontario — province-wide directory of 2SLGBTQ+-affirming health and counselling providers
Getting connected to the right service
- 211 Ontario — call or chat at 211 to be matched with the right local service for your situation, 24/7 and confidential
- Assaulted Women’s Helpline (province-wide) — 1-866-863-0511, 24/7 crisis and referral line for women across Ontario
If you’re not sure where to start, 211 or Distress Centre Halton are good first calls — they can help you figure out which of these fits your situation, without you having to have it all figured out first.
Sources referenced in this post:
- CDC, National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS)
- BMC Public Health, “Predictors of spousal coercive control…” (National Family Health Survey-4)
- Journal of Family Violence, systematic review of women’s experiences of coercive control (2025)
- Williams Institute, UCLA — Intimate Partner Violence and Sexual Abuse Among LGBT People
- Human Rights Campaign, Understanding Intimate Partner Violence in the LGBTQ+ Community
- Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, meta-analysis of children’s exposure to domestic violence
- Journal of Human Resources, Domestic Violence Reports and the Mental Health and Well-Being of Victims and Their Children